Silent Lap

I jumped.

The dark blue water held me so tight.

I knew I couldn’t swim,

Yet I jumped just to sink.

I didn’t struggle.

Water just cooled the burning inside me.

I closed my eyes 

and felt a quiet relief.

I stopped

My last breath slipped away

I didn’t follow

Just saw a single bubble hurried upward

I sank to the bottom.

The sea gathered me into its silent lap.
I didn’t feel any pain
just felt like a cold breeze on an open wound.

I let myself go.

 

A Mist Named Tuesday

 Is it Tuesday? Or was that gone?

These days dissolve like dew at dawn.

I blink—it's night. Where did it go?

I watched it pass, but didn’t know. 

My Life keeps spinning round and round,

and thoughts loop that never touch the ground.

I try to write, but words just fade,

Lost in a slow, uncertain parade.

The tea goes cold while thoughts go wild

The same old thoughts return to stay

Each minute slips, but it has never been seen

In emptiness I stare still, couldn't hold.

Fearing the time I couldn't name

Every day it burns the same

Some days are foggy, some weeks a mist

But even though I know I always missed...

വിധിയുടെ വരകൾ

 ജീവിതം എന്നൊരു നാടകം അതിലൊരു 

കോമരമായി ഞാൻ  നിൽക്കുന്നു 

ഭാവിയതാം  വാതിൽ പടിയിൽ 

പാദങ്ങൾ ഞാൻ വെക്കുമ്പോൾ 

വിധിയുടെ വരകൾ എഴുതിയ രാത്രിയിൽ 

ഭയമത് കിറിയ മുറിവുകളും 

ഇന്നും എൻ കൈരേഖകളിൽ

ഉണങ്ങിയ ചോര പാടുകളും

എൻ ചിന്തകളും എൻ വ്യാധികളും 

വിധിയുടെ കളിയെന്നറിയുന്നു 

ഉയരും നെഞ്ചിൻ തുടിപ്പിൽ 

കേൾകാം കുത്തിയിറക്കിയ കത്തികളും 

എന്നുടെ ഉടലിൻ ദശയിൽ നീ 

കെട്ടി തൂക്കിയ സംസ്കാരം 

ഇന്നും ഒഴിയ ബാധയതായി 

എന്നെ ചുറ്റി നടക്കുന്നു 

എന്നുടെ മാറു മറച്ചു നീ 

വരയിട്ട് എഴുതിയ സംസാരം 

ഇന്നും ഒളിവിൻ മറയത്ത് 

എന്നെ ചുണ്ടി ഇരിക്കുന്നു...

20/03/2025

Whispers in the void...

I built my wall with trembling hands

hoping they'd notice, a shift in sands.

Brushed off by silence, dark and unseen

In shadows, my efforts lingered as if never been.

Love withheld became my chain,

Binding me tightly in growing pain.

Each plea met with air felt unaware

Put a dagger in me like their love a snare.

Now I fade in my bane

like an ache made me insane.

19/11/2024

"Not Enough"

 Inferior in your eyes, I fall apart

Inadequate love, though I gave my heart

Insufficient strength to carry your weight

Imperfect hands that can't change fate

Unworthy of the dreams we once shared

Unfulfilled a soul left unprepared

Unmet desires linger in the night

unaccomplished, lost in endless fight

-10/11/24-

Amour'rue

 Affection you gave boundless and bright

A constant warmth in shadowed light

You adore with a heart so patient and true 

An amour so deep, made me so rue

I admire your grace, gentle and kind

and appreciate love I could never return in kind...

~10/11/24

Letting you go

 I hide my pain to halt the fates cruel games

Concealed anguish flickers, get stays untamed

Hidden sorrows wraps fight around my soul

For every moment without you takes its toll

Silenced torment whispers soft in the night 

Masked heartache blooms, but stays out of sight

I bury grief deep, where no one can see

Knowing you live free of memories of me

A quiet despair unseen and chained

To spare you the weight of my endless pain

In shadows I linger alone yet set free

Letting you live as I fade quietly...

07/11/24

...

 From past to future, I shift my view

Holding still, as paths renew 

Destiny calls, but I turn away

To forge a fate where sorrows won't stay

"Leaping through time"

 Refracting from the past to future

Refraining from doing anything

Refusing the call of destiny

Feforming the fate of Misery

Why?

 Chasing whispers to find who I was, asking "Why?"

Memories are fading and losing the color of the present

sifting through the fragment not counting the portend

acted fearless with dreams that would soar

in the shadows I shiver, unsure to leap over the horror

The face so familiar still feels like pain

time rushed forward here I remain

echos of that voice haunt me in dreams 

the joy of living ended where the sleep reams.

started a new chapter, and still smells like that night

Silenced my roar, Shacklied my hand

in stillness, I tread to untie my hand from the rail 

Here the pieces of horror I wanna forget but

poss to toss my childhood

Reclaiming the fragment that make up my soul 

to bind it together 

to find the answer to my question "why?"

 

"Small paws on my heart

Broken pieces of my parts

Which forgotten from the start

Seams mounted like apart

Agape love returned like an Art"

~13/10/24

 I'm afraid to write about it because no matter how I word it, you will never know what I felt in that moment. 

One thing and for all, I feel emotional these days. My stability is midway on the track and still feels like walking on the edge of a cliff. Things are getting so much harder for me to handle this life. No one in this world is there to be with me.

I am dying inside, exhausted by the emptiness. I tried to smile at least to my family, but I dried up and went numb. Things are getting harder every day. I really feel like running away. 

In this small room, all I wanted was hope. Lying in bed and waking up is getting harder each day. Getting out of bed is becoming the greatest challenge of the day. My mind is somewhere, and days are running through my fingers.

Deserting Yourself

In my own silent agony, 

I heard my heart voice like 

the spring in the stream. 

On a hot desert night

 it felt like an empty goblet, 

drowned under the open rain, 

I felt myself being empty again.

To dear myself

 To dear myself,

I hope one day you will find and love yourself the way you are.

I don't even know anything about how to love myself. Let's just hold on to each other. I hope you never have to convince yourself to love any certain part of you. I hope one day you will love you naturally. I hope one day our love will calm you down. 

I want to love you like you are everything that I have. And I want you to love me too even if it is too hard to accept and cherish. You have to let go of so many things from the past that hurts. I know you were a person who was hardly able to stand up for yourself. We will always be two parts of the same thing.

LOVE YOU.......... 

03/11/2020                   .

ONE STEP

Even if I try to hide my heart 

I love you like this 

I'm afraid will say it I like you.

Show me your heart 

so it won't be awkward 

for me to show you mine.

I'm waiting for you like this.

if you can hear my heart beating

without saying anything hug me

even if I close my eyes,

stand in front of me.

I hope you only love me.

if you want to see me

I will run to you in one step

I'm afraid  I'll be caught 

by my overwhelming love for you

I'm like this again today waiting for you.

                        - Thallukolli

True Feeling

 I hate myself for clinging on my creaked feeling.

I don't know what to do.

I know that even I try to forget about you

still, my heart pounds for you.

Even your name is making my heart stop for some time.

A life without you was unimaginable but, now I am living that life.

A life without you, remembering you from time to time.

How my one-sided crush grew to like this.

It surprised me, I know this one-sided love was not seen by you.

Still hope that one day I am gonna tell you my true feeling.

                                                               - Thallukolli

Moment I Missed

 Those days made me cry 

I regret how I missed my chance to be with you 

still, I remember the last time I saw you

I wanted to hold your hand and kiss you 

I regret my decision to hold back

I regret the time I missed to be with you 

when my days pass without you

I regret that what I have done was always wrong

why did I hide my feelings from you.

The moment I saw you I was stuck for seconds.

I remember that feeling the way you looked me,

that was more than enough for me

but still, I miss those time that I could be with you

The last thing I want to tell you was "I love you".

I was scared to reveal my feeling 

I loved you like a crazy girl for the last few years 

I was loving you like my whole world

I know that I missed my chance to be with you  

even in my dreams, our time didn't match at all

I know that you are far away from me 

I don't know how to say the word I really wanted to say

I feel a pain in my throat at the time I write this 

I love you was the only thing 

I wanted to tell you 

In my silence, I confessed a thousand times.

                                               - Thallukolli

SILENCE

SILENCE
          -Thallukolli

On a pleasant morning.
I was sitting in my chair on the veranda,
a cold breeze passed, I felt so calm inside.
The smell of the ginger tea was making the mood.
The flowers in my garden were shinning like colorful gems.
I never ever seen a dazzling sky like that morning before.
The sun was rising like a child from the bed.
I was mesmerized by the alluring morning and
I sat there for a long time enjoying that moment.
The harmonic music by the birds made my mind flow like a river
flowing through all my thoughts,
suddenly I remember about calling my son.

I rushed into my room. I took my phone and called him.
I was excited and I couldn't even able to wait till that five rings of call.
The first thing I heard was ' Why did you call me, you know that I'm busy '.
Then I softly replied to him ' Happy Birthday '.
A huge silence came into the call,
he was silent, in that silence we remembered every second we spent together.
The memories behold together.
The good and bad things.
The happy and sad times.
The fights and the getbacks.
Everything.
Tears were falling through our cheeks.
The end of our conversation was ' I love you '.

fight till die

sometimes it hurts...

sometimes it makes me lost...

sometimes it makes my heart pain...

I lost myself in this fight when my body numbs and my heart moves like a broken car

even if I lose my life in this fight, I will fight until the last moment in my life

when I lose all my courage, all my esteem, and confidence in this fight

my past painful memories make me too fight until the end.

                                                        - Thallukolli

White Roses

         White Roses

                                -thallukolli

When you look back you only see a person with a broken heart and closed eyes.

When you stand beside my grave with my favorite white roses

My soul stands beside you with a smile wishing that only for one time give me a chance to hug you and tell you how much I love you.

I want to laugh, play and walk with you like before.

But my grave is hugging me tight that I can't escape from it.

Every year on my death day visit me with white roses.

I will be waiting for you here

please don't let me down 

I just can't wait for you

Burn my leftovers.

Don't cry for me,

If your tears fall on the floor it will burden me more.

Remember me with a smile.

Remember my jokes, cliches the time I loved you.

forget the time I hurt you,

the time I left you behind

The last word on my grave should be 'smile'

Don't carve my birth date or death date on my grave 

just write 'I wish you keep smiling'.