To dear myself

 To dear myself,

I hope one day you will find and love yourself the way you are.

I don't even know anything about how to love myself. Let's just hold on to each other. I hope you never have to convince yourself to love any certain part of you. I hope one day you will love you naturally. I hope one day our love will calm you down. 

I want to love you like you are everything that I have. And I want you to love me too even if it is too hard to accept and cherish. You have to let go of so many things from the past that hurts. I know you were a person who was hardly able to stand up for yourself. We will always be two parts of the same thing.

LOVE YOU.......... 

03/11/2020                   .

ONE STEP

Even if I try to hide my heart 

I love you like this 

I'm afraid will say it I like you.

Show me your heart 

so it won't be awkward 

for me to show you mine.

I'm waiting for you like this.

if you can hear my heart beating

without saying anything hug me

even if I close my eyes,

stand in front of me.

I hope you only love me.

if you want to see me

I will run to you in one step

I'm afraid  I'll be caught 

by my overwhelming love for you

I'm like this again today waiting for you.

                        - Thallukolli

True Feeling

 I hate myself for clinging on my creaked feeling.

I don't know what to do.

I know that even I try to forget about you

still, my heart pounds for you.

Even your name is making my heart stop for some time.

A life without you was unimaginable but, now I am living that life.

A life without you, remembering you from time to time.

How my one-sided crush grew to like this.

It surprised me, I know this one-sided love was not seen by you.

Still hope that one day I am gonna tell you my true feeling.

                                                               - Thallukolli

Moment I Missed

 Those days made me cry 

I regret how I missed my chance to be with you 

still, I remember the last time I saw you

I wanted to hold your hand and kiss you 

I regret my decision to hold back

I regret the time I missed to be with you 

when my days pass without you

I regret that what I have done was always wrong

why did I hide my feelings from you.

The moment I saw you I was stuck for seconds.

I remember that feeling the way you looked me,

that was more than enough for me

but still, I miss those time that I could be with you

The last thing I want to tell you was "I love you".

I was scared to reveal my feeling 

I loved you like a crazy girl for the last few years 

I was loving you like my whole world

I know that I missed my chance to be with you  

even in my dreams, our time didn't match at all

I know that you are far away from me 

I don't know how to say the word I really wanted to say

I feel a pain in my throat at the time I write this 

I love you was the only thing 

I wanted to tell you 

In my silence, I confessed a thousand times.

                                               - Thallukolli

SILENCE

SILENCE
          -Thallukolli

On a pleasant morning.
I was sitting in my chair on the veranda,
a cold breeze passed, I felt so calm inside.
The smell of the ginger tea was making the mood.
The flowers in my garden were shinning like colorful gems.
I never ever seen a dazzling sky like that morning before.
The sun was rising like a child from the bed.
I was mesmerized by the alluring morning and
I sat there for a long time enjoying that moment.
The harmonic music by the birds made my mind flow like a river
flowing through all my thoughts,
suddenly I remember about calling my son.

I rushed into my room. I took my phone and called him.
I was excited and I couldn't even able to wait till that five rings of call.
The first thing I heard was ' Why did you call me, you know that I'm busy '.
Then I softly replied to him ' Happy Birthday '.
A huge silence came into the call,
he was silent, in that silence we remembered every second we spent together.
The memories behold together.
The good and bad things.
The happy and sad times.
The fights and the getbacks.
Everything.
Tears were falling through our cheeks.
The end of our conversation was ' I love you '.

fight till die

sometimes it hurts...

sometimes it makes me lost...

sometimes it makes my heart pain...

I lost myself in this fight when my body numbs and my heart moves like a broken car

even if I lose my life in this fight, I will fight until the last moment in my life

when I lose all my courage, all my esteem, and confidence in this fight

my past painful memories make me too fight until the end.

                                                        - Thallukolli

White Roses

         White Roses

                                -thallukolli

When you look back you only see a person with a broken heart and closed eyes.

When you stand beside my grave with my favorite white roses

My soul stands beside you with a smile wishing that only for one time give me a chance to hug you and tell you how much I love you.

I want to laugh, play and walk with you like before.

But my grave is hugging me tight that I can't escape from it.

Every year on my death day visit me with white roses.

I will be waiting for you here

please don't let me down 

I just can't wait for you

Burn my leftovers.

Don't cry for me,

If your tears fall on the floor it will burden me more.

Remember me with a smile.

Remember my jokes, cliches the time I loved you.

forget the time I hurt you,

the time I left you behind

The last word on my grave should be 'smile'

Don't carve my birth date or death date on my grave 

just write 'I wish you keep smiling'.

എന്നിലെ ഞാൻ

എന്നിലെ ഞാൻ 

ഞാൻ  ആർക്കുവേണ്ടിയാണ്  കാത്തിരിക്കുന്നത് ?

എന്നിലെ  യഥാർത്ഥ എനിക്ക് വേണ്ടിയോ 

ഞാൻ ആർക്കുവേണ്ടിയാണ് എന്നെ തന്നെ മാറ്റിയത് ?

ലോകം അംഗീകരിക്കുന്ന എനിക്ക് വേണ്ടിയോ 

ഞാൻ ആരുടെ കണ്ണിൽ നോക്കിയപ്പോളാണ് എന്നെ തന്നെ വേറുത്തത് ?

മറ്റുള്ളവർക്ക് വേണ്ട എന്നെയോ 

ഞാൻ ആരെയാണ് എല്ലാത്തിനേക്കാളും ഇഷ്ട്ടപെട്ടത് ? 

എന്നിലെ യഥാർത്ഥ എന്നെയോ 

ഞാൻ ആരെയാണ് ഇപ്പോഴും ഓർക്കുന്നത് ?

ഞാൻ നഷ്ടപെടുത്തിയ എന്നെത്തന്നെയോ 

ഞാൻ ആരെയാണ് ഇത്രമാത്രം വേദനിപ്പിച്ചത് ?

എന്നിലെ എന്നെതന്നെയോ 

ഞാൻ സ്നേഹിച്ചത് മറ്റുള്ളവർ സ്നേഹിച്ച എന്നെയല്ല 

ഞാൻ സ്നേഹിച്ചത് എവിടേയോവെച്ചു ഞാൻ നഷ്ട്ടമാക്കിയ എന്നെയാണ് ഇനി എന്ന് ഞാൻ നഷ്ട്ടമാക്കിയ എന്നെ കണ്ടെത്തും ?